Fourth Grade

Back in 1975, I think, when I was in fourth grade, I engaged in a game of kickball that turned into a “Mike should never be allowed to watch Billy Jack movies.”

I went to school with two of Spencer Milligan’s kids. Milligan was the dad on Land of The Lost. One of the boys was in my grade and the other, who I think was named Derek, was a grade younger. This was also around the same time my mom started babysitting Lisa Bonet. Lisa was also a year younger than me. My mom was semi-responsible for getting Lisa her first acting gig. Bonet’s mom knew my mother was a bit of a photographer and asked my mom to do some headshots for a Barbie commercial. My mom took the pictures of the eight-year-old Bonet and she landed the commercial.

Back to kickball and Billy Jack. One day at lunch I was playing kickball with a bunch of kids. It was my turn to kick. I sailed the ball down the third base line. A couple of kids dove to stop it and/or catch it. No luck. I ran around all the base and one kid, I think Derek, was chasing me. I passed home plate. Then Derek started yelling, “That doesn’t count, you stepped out of the baseline.”

Rather than doing my usual and fight the kids, I asked to see the ball. They handed it to me and I walked off. If you’re going to cheat, fuck you, I’m leaving. I left.

What I didn’t count on was both Derek and Lisa Bonet chased me, and from either side of me, they started tugging on the ball. For whatever reason, I got that Billy Jack scene in my head where he says, “I’m gonna take this right foot, and I’m gonna whop you on that side of your face and you wanna know something? There’s not a damn thing you’re gonna be able to do about it.”

So, the person on the right of me, Derek, got a foot to the stomach, I couldn’t reach his head, and he fell to the ground. Then, Lisa got the other foot to her stomach. She too was on the ground holding her freshly kicked gut.

I started running off with my kickball. Thinking that like Billy Jack there be no consequences (cue One Tin Solider). I looked back and Lisa and Derek were talking to the yard teacher and pointing at me. Oh fuck.

When the bell rang and we were summoned back to class, I was called outside immediately. I was told I would have to write standards, stay after school and then expect a phone call to my mother.

When I got home, I went into overdrive. I thought of everything in the world to get mom out of the house, “We need groceries, I need a book for school, and I need new shoes!” Nothing worked. Then right around 4:30 or 5:00 the phone rang and my mom talked to my teacher Mrs. Forney.

My mom got off the phone and asked/told me: “You kicked a girl in the stomach?” I tried to explain the cheating, I feared for my life and my newly gained ninja skills saved me.

I was grounded. No TV or dessert for a few days. After elementary school, I would completely lose touch with Derek and his brother. Lisa would hang out around my house (no, we never fought again) until the summer after my sixth-grade year. Then she popped up for a year in high school. In that year she never spoke to me. Then she moved to New York to make Cosby and met a guy named Romeo Blue. The rest is history I guess.

#michaelessington #misconceptionsofhell


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