Lately, a bunch of my friends have been going through breakups and/or divorces. For whatever reason, I’m the guy they come to for advice.
Now, when I was around twelve, or so I wanted to be a priest. I had a close relative tell me that if I couldn’t be nice to family how was I ever going to be able to be kind to strangers? That, coupled with puberty, and a new interest in the broads, my aspirations for priesthood fell wayside.
I still respect anyone who can truly follow this calling; not many can really do it.
So, even though I don’t wear the collar, I somehow end up in the booth listening to confession at least once a week.
Anyway, one night, about four or five years ago, I’m driving home from work on the always fabulous 5 freeway, and this guy calls me up (I won’t identify him, other than to say he married into the family), and he is teetering between rage, and crying like most of us guys do when we get dumped.
He had just found out, fairly certain, that his Wife had been seeing somebody else. So, he’s giving me the rundown of everything he’s found out, and how she hasn’t touched him in ten months, at this point I have to stop him.
I tell him in no way, shape or form do I want to picture any of the women in the family getting their freak on. He sort of mumbles, “Yeah, OK.”
Then he continues with all the problems, and bullshit. It turns out he has called every single person in the family with the same details, about being cheated on, and not being touched.
So, I tell him, this is the last call to anybody in the family. And this is what’s going to happen in your breakup. I have definite rules about how people get back to normal.
See, the problem is people put way too much into relationships, that when the relationship crumbles, they are completely lost.
So, I tell the guy, “Pay attention, and write this down if you need to. These are the definite steps you HAVE to go through in order to become yourself again.”
1. When you first get dumped you blame everything on the girl, and you trash her reputation. Example: “She never loved me,” “Before me, she slept with half of the NFL.”
2. After feeling sorry for yourself for a while, depression sets in, and you want the broad back, so you reverse everything you previously said, and blame yourself. Example: “If only I loved her a bit more,” “She was an angel sent from heaven to look after me.”
3. Track down all your old drinking buddies that you abandoned once you met your girl. You drink everything in sight for about four to six months. Try to stay out of jail.
4. Find another chick. This will not be your girlfriend. This is the girl you hose until you are emotionally healed, and are ready to meet the woman you will eventually marry. Now, this girl you meet will end up having things done to her that would make the donkey at a Tijuana animal show blush. She will be someone to distract you from your breakup, and ultimately pay for all the wrongs your ex did to you. Between the booze and this broad, you will come close to losing your job.
5. One day you will wake up go to work, meet up with some people for dinner, and as you are ready to go to bed you’ll realize that you haven’t thought about your ex all day.
Congratulations, you’re ready to meet your next long-term relationship. If this works for you, feel free to mail a thank you check to Mike E. care of Mike’s Advice Column (my mail is delivered to me in the alley behind the office).
A couple of other helpful hints that have worked for me are: listening to music from people that have gone through the same crap. For example, Rancid’s Indestructible. Tim Armstrong wrote this album while going through his divorce from Brody Dalle from The Distillers. You can feel the renewed need for friends, and camaraderie
And the song of all songs, the guy version of I Am Woman by Helen Reddy, is Return of The Mack by Mark Morrison. I had this sucker on cassette single; damn near wore it out, and then gave it to a friend after he got his walking papers.
– Last One To Die, 2011