Andrew Dice Clay

Back in 1989, I was working with a girl named Jennifer. Jennifer and I had a thing for stand-up comedy. Sometimes, the raunchier the better.

One day Jennifer came into work and said that she had a friend that waitressed at The Comedy Store on Sunset Boulevard, and Andrew Dice Clay was in town filming The Adventures of Ford Fairlane. And every night after filming he popped up at the Comedy Store and did as much stand-up as he wanted. Some nights, fifteen minutes, other nights two hours. So, Jennifer suggested we go Saturday night in the off chance he would show up.

We watched about five to ten comics, guys like Barry Diamond, who you recognize, but might not know by name. Right about the time I was ready to pack it in, Dice came walking in and they ushered him to the stage.

He ended up doing, between, an hour to an hour and a half of comedy. Leaving about two packs of cigarettes stamped out on the stage. He didn’t rely much on his regular Mother Goose stuff. It was mainly improv. He did a Don Rickles kind of thing and went around the crowd and shredded them.

First, he ragged on two older women in the front row, asking if they “put out.” They stood up and left.

Some blonde guy sitting four seats over from me was laughing hysterically. Dice walked over to him, put his face an inch from his and imitated the way he laughed, in a sort of spastic way, “Geee gee gee.” The guy’s face dropped. Instead of laughing, he looked embarrassed.

Next, he walked over to me, and I’m half hoping he goes easy and the other half wants to hear something funny. So, he started, “Hey, buddy, having a good time?”

“Yeah.”

“Good, that’s good. This your girlfriend? Or are you just banging?

“No, just a friend.”

“Oh, just a friend. No banging.” Then he addresses Jennifer.

“You know, I like this guy. You know why?”

“Why?”

“Because this guy doesn’t care if he gets laid or not. If the chick doesn’t put out, he’ll chase them up the driveway jerkin’ off. Gee gee gee. A man after my own heart.”
I laughed. Probably the best anyone had insulted me up to that point.
Later that night when I dropped Jennifer off, she turned and said, “Don’t chase me up the driveway.

#michaelessington #misconceptionsofhell

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